Lynn "Eravette" McMillen-Begley
AT THE WALL I've been here before, facing you, Your smooth black granite warm beneath my hand, Your walls enfolding me like arms. Seen flowers at your feet, and boots, A bottle and a glass, an old comic book, A letter to a long-gone friend, A picture of a child, a ribbon a rose. I've seen the healing in your shadow, Seen memories shared and comfort given, Seen bitter tears yield to a friend's embrace. But always before you were there for others, For those who lost, for those who cried, For those whose hearts were cold and closed. Now I come to face you -- and I am afraid. Will your arms be there for me? Will you comfort me, and mourn my loss? Will you take my gift and cherish it? Will you keep my memories for me? He never saw you, he could not bear your face. Yet I, peering through my tears Seek your embrace, seek comfort here. Here in the shadow of your arms Here where the sun warms your face Here with his brothers around me Here with your arms enfolding me Here I come to find my peace. © Lynn McMillen, 1995 another wall Here in the darkness I lie, my wide-open eyes staring, seeing nothing Not moving, barely breathing knowing you are awake, too lying beside me what I cannot see is the ice-wall wide and deep and invisible lying between us though I feel a coldness as from an invisible wind which touches it but you know it is there you cannot reach through it to touch me nor even to tell me it is there so I lie here, night after night waiting for you but you have fought the wall failed again and again to scale it defeated now you no longer even try to scale this wall or batter through it but despairing you lie there scarred and exhausted from your efforts unable to try again, unable to say just what it is you cannot try and I who cannot see the Wall but only feel it's cold wind I lie here alone with you in the darkness my wide-open eyes seeing nothing © Lynn McMillen 1996 I Want to Say "Goodbye" You knew you had to go and so you left quietly, without a backward glance knowing I would cry but that it had to be. You could never bear to see me cry and you knew I would not have let you go I would have held you back and made an awful scene. And so, quietly, without a fuss you slipped away and I never got to say "goodbye" Or "I'm sorry" or "I love you." or even "Please forgive me." But the words are there burning inside me pleading to get out needing to be said And so I visit your grave and I stand in front of the Wall and I lie on your side of the bed and look at the shirts in your closet the ones I couldn't give away. But none of this is you. I cannot touch you, cannot hold you cannot beg you to hear me one last time. I love you. I need you. I'm sorry. Forgive me. Maybe some day I can say "Goodbye."