That emotional state generated even more anger,
although I
wasn't
sure who I was angry with, or why. I've always believed that depression
is
unexpressed
anger, redirected at one's self, so how could I be both depressed
and
acting out in anger?
It didn't make sense. I decided I needed some help to sort out my
feelings
and dispel
the gloom.
I called a local Vet Center even though I am not entitled to their
services,
because
I wanted to talk to someone who could relate to the Wall and was
familiar
with veterans'
issues. I didn't understand what was going on with my feelings, but
I
suspected it had something to do with those orange flames. Luckily
for me,
the counselor I spoke
to said to come in as soon as possible, and if she could not help
me
officially,
she would recommend someone outside the Vet Center system who could.
It was
through
her referral that I met "BB", a unique and sensitive young
woman,
experienced in treating
veterans, who didn't think I was as crazy as I was beginning to feel.
At this point, I had no idea that my "mystery" story of
orange
flames and strange
events was soon to become (as one of Lewis Carroll's childish characters
was fond
of saying) "Curiouser and Curiouser!"
I had only one counselling session with "BB" because it
was all I
needed, but it was
quite an extraordinary event in itself. Upon meeting BB, she asked
me to
sit and
tell her a little about myself in general, and specifically what
it was
that had
brought me to her. I explained the circumstances at the Wall and
what lead
up to them. I also
told her about my weepy, emotional, behavior since then, and that
I just
needed to
talk about it and see what made sense. BB asked me if I was a spiritual
person, and
if I would mind if she used a rather unconventional method of getting
to
the root of
my feelings. I asked what she had in mind, and BB said very matter
of
factly, "channelling".
I got goosebumps and chills at the thought of being the subject of
such new
age and controversial methods, but after thinking it over, I consented.
After all, it couldn't
hurt me, could it?. What did I have to lose but my depression? Oh,
why not!
If nothing
else I might get a good laugh out of it.
BB started by asking me to meditate with her a few minutes and then
she
would begin.
We sat quietly with our eyes closed for several minutes, and just
concentrated on
breathing...inhale one, two, three...exhale one, two, three, four.
Again,
one, two,
three...exhale one, two, three, four, and so on. Then BB said, "Open
your eyes and I will
ask you a few question. Relax, you're safe, and remember we can quit
at
anytime if
you become uncomfortable, OK?"
"OK" I replied.
"What is it you want to know?"
"I want to know what happened to me at the Wall. Where did the
Orange
Flames come
from? Why am I so angry? What's going on? I don't understand these
feelings
I'm having."
"They are not your feelings."
"What do you mean?"
"Who is Jack?"
"Jack who?"
"He says you knew him as Jack a long time ago."
"Jack Guerrero ?!"
"Who is Jack Guerrero ?!"
"Jack is, was, a friend of mine. I recently tried to find him
to tell
him about the
dedication ceremonies in D.C. and learned he was dead."
"You were shocked by this news."
"Yes, of course, especially since I was told he committed suicide
after returning
from his second tour in Vietnam. I met Jack in Tay Ninh during his
first
tour. He
was a Sgt. with the First CAV. He came home before me. I had no idea
he
went back
for a second tour! I can't believe he would go back...he hated it
there...he wanted me to come
home with him when he left...he said it was not a safe place, and
he would
not be
there to look after me. He insisted I quit my job and come home with
him...of course,
I didn't."
"Why not?"
"I couldn't, my tour wasn't up. Besides, I didn't want to leave.
He
did, that's all
he talked about...getting back to the world, back to his young son
and
daughter.
Jack was older...27, divorced, a sweet, gentle, very protective guy.
All he
wanted
was to go home, to look after his children, and watch them grow.
I can't
believe, of all
people, he would go back for a second tour. I can't believe he killed
himself! But
what does Jack have to do with this?"
"He says he's sorry, it's his anger you're feeling."
"His anger? At me?"
"No, he's not angry with you. He was angry at the men who tried
to
stop you at the
Wall. He was protecting you. He's sorry you were, and still are frightened
by that
experience."
"How do you know it's Jack? Can you see him?"
"Yes, he's very tall and slender, and he's smiling at you. He
says you
haven't changed.
You're going to do what you want to do no matter what."
"I can't believe this...where is he? Why is he, is he alright?
Why did
he kill himself?"
"He's been lost for a long time. Unable to find his way. He
wants to
know that he
was loved. He took his life because he felt unlovable."
"BB I'm scared. I don't know if we should continue this."
"Relax, take my hands, you're safe. Just breathe.
We are going to pray for Jack now, and ask a higher power to guide
him to
the light."
BB prayed, asked that Jack accept God's love, and know the love his
family
and friends
have for him. She said that he no longer had to feel responsible
for any of
us. His
duty was done. He should claim the love, look to the light, and follow
in
its path.
Whether BB actually did channel and communicate with Jack is very
difficult
for me
to believe. I know that I never mentioned his name or my search for
him to
BB or
to the counselor who referred me, yet she asked me "Who is Jack?"
I consider myself
a spiritual person, and I believe in an afterlife. But I don't know
if the
presentlife and
afterlife can ever be bridged like that. So, for obvious reasons,
this
entire episode
with BB left me feeling very shaky, gullible, and uneasy. Even now
I'm uneasy talking
about it...wondering what others will think. BB said her methods
were
definitely not
VA--approved, but she assured me Jack's presence and angry influence
in my
life were
gone. Since I could make no sense of this series of crazy and unusual
events, I chose
to believe her. And you know what? I did feel better!
CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER!
Cathleen Cordova
Vietnam 1968-1969
Army Special Services